II. The Privilege of Being Light Skinned & Biracial In America

I am a biracial Black woman and what I know to be true is that darker skinned black women have a daily existence much harsher than I do. Yes, I am a black woman with a white mother and a black father. As complicated as it may seem, I get to choose how I identify and no, you don’t get to decide for me regardless of whether you are black or white. This excerpt is my own experience of blackness and its shades thereof.

I am light-skinned. Not light enough that I pass for being a white woman but light skinned enough to not be offensive for simply existing in the world. My darker complexion sisters don’t get that same privilege. I walk into a room, all freckled and bright pink lipped and I’m viewed as “pretty” and interest rears my way because I look the way I do. I get positive [or curious] attention before I’ve even opened my mouth because I simply exist. Exoticized? Maybe. And I say this with zero vanity but instead as a simple truth of my biracial existence in America today, as a descendant of both Holocaust survivors and slaves. Both this and that, friends.

Let me very clear, I don’t presume to look like a damn supermodel but I look interesting [read: exoticized] and just friendly enough that folks don’t walk the other way or feel instantly uncomfortable. I smile big naturally. I’ve never had to think about whether I had to smile in order to avoid being off-putting because the likelihood of my being perceived as an “angry Black woman” is fairly slim.

For the most part, I don’t have to walk into white rooms with a hyper-awareness; on guard, critical of what others are thinking, careful of saying the wrong thing in the wrong intonation lest I be considered uneducated or “another ignorant Black person.” I’m just light enough to get away with any intonation that I please because, well, I’m both Black and white so on most days, I get to choose.

As a biracial Black woman in America, I am equally both aware and unaware of the challenges of Blackness. And I can not deny that truth. Again, I am both this and that.

And this personal privilege has also made me feel like I don’t always belong among my darker skinned sisters. [NOTE re: “sisters”: I also refer to white women as my sisters; this term is not skin color specific.] I’m Black but I’ve never felt quite Black enough. I don’t want to overstep my boundaries of Blackness and assume our lived experiences are the same regardless of skin color because, let’s be honest, the world teaches us differently every motha’fucking day. My sisters and I may be the same but we are not equal in the eyes of many. And that is a very hard pill to swallow in the sense of truly belonging anywhere. And no, I’m not angry about being mixed but this sense of not belonging anywhere is simply my lived truth which isn’t up for debate.

Oh, and my own double standards. Let’s talk about these for a second: No. No it’s not ok to make Black jokes in front of me. Ever. (No one has ever tried me, either.) But it is ok to make white jokes in front of me #wypipo. I taught my white husband about this and laugh openly about the shit that I’m convinced that only white people do. So, yes, I’m still dissecting why I’m protective of my Blackness but not my whiteness.

Listen, exploring my own sense of race and belonging is not about wishing I were more of anything or expecting to be better understood or accepted; I am exactly who I would choose to be. My self-identity is not in question. But it’s important to me that I don’t presume to overstep my own truth by claiming to live the same experiences that other Black folks have. It’s also important to me that as I continue to build communities of diverse women; that I acknowledge that the world and all of its inhabitants, ALL people included, are not simply Black and white.

So you see, for all the folks who think that my focus on women, race and community is brand new to me; let me enlighten you; I have a very personal vested interest in these topics and I will continue to explore them openly and honestly.

I will share my truths unfiltered and will do my best to do so without harming anyone else.

I am a biracial Black woman in America today, the descendant of slaves and Holocaust survivors. I am and will always be both this and that. And even as a grown ass woman, I’m still exploring what that even means.

I’ll be adding excerpts to this often so stay tuned, leave a comment and find me over on Instagram in the meantime @cyndiespiegel. Thanks for listening, reading and not being an asshole in the comments section. ❤